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EdwardDimond's Bio:

My life had taken a turn for the surreal as I found out my crush and simultaneous antagonist were two different people; sisters in fact. I'd been seeking a tutor for calculus when I'd come across an innocuous post on the community bulletin board in my dorm advertising Mei's services. What I didn't know was that the Chinese student, an academic star, and mathematics prodigy, was that she was an uptight shut-in imprisoned by her own body. As it was explained to me, both Mei-Hua, and her sister, Mei-Zhen were blessed or cursed depending on which sister you talked to, with a form of steatopygia that left them sporting natural 34B-30-57 measurements. I surmised this left the more conservative twin, Mei-Hua with severe enough body issues that she went out of her way to hide it with extra large clothing, staying away from anyone (male) she thought would have a negative reaction. She'd judged me based on preexisting stereotypes of black males, figuring that I would lose impulse control if I saw her big ass. This pissed me off because even though I prided myself on being a well-adjusted fellow with a healthy attitude towards women, she was right. I would have flipped out if I'd seen her monster sized butt and done what others before me had probably done. Namely, try to ask holler at her and at the very least take a picture of her phenomenal black ass. This fact had made me easy prey for her identical twin sister, Mei-Zhen, herself looking to sexually experiment with black guys. I quickly pulled out my phone snapping several pictures of the bickering twins before turning to Dean Brennan. "So, guess this means I'm not getting expelled, right?" The older woman's face clouded with frustration at being foiled in her premade plan to get me off campus. "Academic probation." "WHAT, I'M NOT FAILING ANY CLASSES!!" "There is the question of your grades in calculus, young man. I have been informed that you will be issued a makeup exam and your standing here at the university will be contingent upon you passing the class." "That's bullshit, Dean Brennan and you know it." "Academic probation." She replied smugly earning my ire and Mei-Zhen's attention. The beautiful twin's face was flush as she ran up on the desk causing Dean Brennan to flinch in her seat. "That's not fair; he's not a pervert and you have no right to criminalize him like this. We just told you that he didn't know we were identical twins. I-WAS THE ONE SLEEPING WITH HIM!!" Mei-Zhen slammed her fist on the desktop. "My decision's final; either he passes the quiz, or he's expelled." Mei-Zhen looked horrified at the dean's proclamation turning to face her sister, Mei-Hua. "Zhè dōu shì nǐ de cuò , nǐ 毀 le yì qiē!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, MEI-HUA?!!" "I-I am very sorry." Mei-Hua apologized again as I pushed past her sister, exiting the office with little regard to either woman. Mei-Zhen was quick on her feet chasing me down as I reached the elevator. "Don't worry, I'll be with you until this shit is fucking resolved. We're gonna do some cram sessions and hit those books for the rest of the weekend. Fuck that cunt back there, you're gonna shove the A you get on that exam right up her big, fat ass!" "Stop, I'm calling an audible on this situation." I held up a hand in front of Mei-Zhen's face. "What?" "I, uh-I need to take a break. This shit is getting a little weird Mei, uh?" "Mei-Zhen." "Thanks, but I think I need to handle things on my own. My college education is flashing right before my eyes and I can't take a chance on failing my parents and myself." Her narrow eyes widened at my assertion as she snagged my forearm. "Hey, they know it's two of us; we're twins and that should make everything cool; don't be mad. Come on, we just got together." "Yeah, but they're still gonna fuck me anyway." I softly removed her arm even though I wanted to hug the beauty as her mirror image looked on a few feet away. "COME ON, DON'T PUSH ME AWAY!!" She locked arms around my neck, panicking. "I ain't trying to lose my college education Mei; GET UP OFF ME!!" I pushed her away stepping into the elevator. She looked like I'd stabbed her, her face crestfallen and sad as she turned to her sister Mei-Hua. "Nǐ xiàn zài gāo xìng le ma ? wǒ bù néng yǒu rèn hé dōng xī , yīn 為 nǐ!! nǐ huǐ le wǒ de xìng fú!! I-I HATE YOU!!" The doors to the elevator closed just as I witnessed Mei-Hua's reaction to her sister's outburst. By the time I'd reached the first floor, I was already considering running back to my version of Mei. Instead I forced myself to walk back across campus towards my dorm room. My mind was still awash in memories of our one-night stand twenty-four hours earlier. The Chinese beauty had taken me by storm like a raging fire, leaving my enchanted. A few times, I stopped on my lonely walk looking back in the direction I'd come from. Perhaps I was hoping she'd be running up behind me, but she wasn't there. She'd come along at a time when I needed her most, taking thoughts of Mylie and obliterating them. I could still feel her all over me, chafing inside at the loss of some masculinity. I pushed forward still, prodded by my ego to do what was right; do what was necessary for my future. Yet, still I looked back wondering what was happening between the sisters. Even though the identical twin sisters had become the catalyst for so much chaos in my life, I still felt like a jerk for rejecting Mei-Zhen. I trudged into the dorm finding my door and the adjacent walls covered entirely with "NO MEANS NO" flyers. I shrugged, ripping away a few until my door knob was visible, as my phone chimed with a text message. TEXT: I will be praying for your success with all my might; I'm sorry about everything from the bottom of my heart. I'm really feeling it and I swear that my bitch sister will pay for what she has done to you. I HATE HER JUICY ASS MORE THAN EVER!! The last part of the text gave me pause because of the virulent nature in which it was written. The emotion was palpable and raw. MY TEXT: Don't worry, I'll do my best. Hey, you only have one family; maybe you two can work it out. I stared at the text for a long while before deleting it and pushing into my dorm room. My roommate Armin was nowhere to be found and it appeared the Angry Women's Group for lack of a better term, hadn't stopped at plastering my door with flyers. The room was vandalized with trash and even more flyers. I almost had to wade through the garbage to my bed. Irma Hersh was on a mission, but I'd deal with her later as I retrieved my books and began cramming. Right before midnight, I received another text message. TEXT: We were so good together; I was robbed because my stupid sister can't accept who she is and now I'm lost. I HATE her FACE, guess that means I hate my face too. Gonna have to do something about that shit. A picture of Mei-Zhen was attached which gave me pause and tugged at my heartstrings at the same time. It was a selfie of her lying in bed with a loose-fitting tank top just covering her small breasts. I could make out her abdomen wondering if she were wearing anything else. She was holding the phone aloft with this sad expression on her face. A closer look revealed tears streaming down her face. We'd known each other for a relatively short time, so I felt apprehensive wondering if she weren't trying to manipulate me emotionally. Five minutes later I was texting her a message which I also deleted when my inner voice demanded. I had to make sure my educational residency was safe. I continued into the night before passing out at my desk. DARKNESS ************************************************************************************* I was awakened the following morning by incessant knocking at my door which soon became loud banging. I checked my phone but found it dead, having been left off the charger all night. The door seemed like it would burst apart if I didn't open it. I had butterflies in my stomach thinking it was a restless Mei-Zhen determined to make amends for her sister's actions and see where our relationship was going. "Wait; hold on-HOLD YOUR HORSES!!" I barely got the lock turned when Armin burst into the room toppling me over onto my back. I got a closer look at his face than I'd ever thought possible as I realized it was smeared with women's makeup. He reeked of multiple brands of perfume which made me retch as I struggled to dislodge myself from under his stocky figure. Before I could react, we were suddenly surrounded by at least six sorority girls with more pouring into the room. For some reason they were all armed with cans of shaving cream which they began spraying all over both of us. We were covered in excessive amounts of the shit in what I guess was a tamer version of "Tarring & Feathering" a person as the pissed off women tossed in garbage bags full of more NO MEANS NO flyers before they were satisfied. They filed out as I recognized a few of Mei-Hua's associates amongst their ranks, all wearing the pink shirts of my arch-nemesis, Irma Hersh, for lack of a better term. Several photos were taken of me and Armin flopping about on our dorm room floor. "DUDE, WHAT-THE-FUCK?!!" I was livid. "BRO-THE BITCHES ARE CRAZY; I AM MADE FOOL ALL NIGHT!!" Armin was the worse for wear of two of us regaling me with a story of how he'd been lured away by a comely coed only to learn it was a trap when a phalanx of female campus students fell upon him. He'd been duck taped to a dolly, made up and paraded in front of Irma Hersh's jeering, sorority sisters to recite feminist dogma written by the likes of Valerie Solanas and Shulamith Firestone. Someone in the crowd suggested that Armin's profuse body hair be removed in the most humiliating manner resulting in a herculean effort to free himself and our current predicament. I was embarrassed at having not noticed his disappearance. "Man, I'm calling campus security; this shit is getting out of hand." "WHY YOU DO THIS HORRIBLE THING TO US-YOU MAKE THIS SHIT!! FUCKING BIG BOTTOM JAP!!" Armin was wiping his face with his bedding. "She's Chinese Armin, don't go there, man." "I-I go there, brother; you say you don't fuck with China woman, but room is full of pussy smell and her underwear! You say, it is nothing, but get mad when I try to take picture of that FAT ASS of hers and won't even give me her number. Then you have FUCKING ORGY in our room and DON'T INVITE YOUR BRO-THAT IS SHIT of my FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW!!" "Armin?" "DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT IT; PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY-ARMIN IS IDIOT!! PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY, SHUT UP FUCKER MAN, DUMB SHIT!! I AM NOT IDIOT, DON'T FUCK ME IN THE ONION BOOTY, BRO!!" He was ranting looking for a fight after having his manhood stripped away overnight. I managed to get to my feet as he turned to face me with nothing standing in the way of any flying fists if we so chose. "I'm sorry, Armin." It was a minor gesture on my part, and he was a fucking idiot. But he was right on a minute level because I had brought the Mei sisters into both of our lives. Unexpectedly, I was embraced tightly by Armin who appeared to be dreading a physical altercation as well. "Whu-What are you people doing in here?" The dorm RA Stanley, was standing in our open door watching us embrace. "Nothing Stanley, let it go." I was in no mood. "Let it go; that's the problem around here with you people is that you've "LET IT GO" and mark my words, you're on the fast track to the hot girls place downstairs if you know what I mean. Forgive me for my candor but you boys need the lord in your lives!" "STANLEY, GO!!" Armin had enough as well, shaking a huge clump of shaving cream out of his greasy hair. "Look, just try one bible class; is that too much to ask, boys. What you've got going on here is uh, unnatural." He appeared to be wearing the same clothing I'd last saw him in, making me wonder just how much of a weirdo he really was. "Why are you here Stanley?" I gathered some unsoiled clothing from a drawer. "I'm the TA scheduled to give you and a few others the makeup test. From the look of things, you'd better be pretty sharp if you want to pass that test." I'd snagged some towels noticing the disgust on Stanley's face. "You did see a whole gang of fucking girls running out of our room Stanley, didn't you?" The RA covered his mouth looking away momentarily. The expression on his round, bulbous head read of revulsion. "You don't have to brag about your pagan lifestyle, geez guy!" "THOSE BITCHES DID THIS SHIT, STANLEY!!"
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